The Cover Up

I told you all yesterday that today I would talk about how all the extra weight I was carrying severely damaged my self esteem.  Well, here goes.

A year ago, my life was all a cover up.  Thoughts were constantly running through my head.  Thoughts like, "How can I blend in."  "What can I wear that doesn't make me look like I weigh 256lbs?"  "Does this make me look fat?  Oh yeah, of course it does.  Is there anything I own that makes me look less fat?"  and my personal favorite, "I can't do/wear that.  That's for skinny people."

At some point, I got so freaking tired of thinking those things.  It was downright exhausting!  And my ass hadn't even gotten off the couch!  LOL!  But really, mentally, it was taxing.  And I didn't want to live that way anymore.  So I went to an info session at Dr. Roller's office to check about lap band surgery.  I thought I needed to loose about 40 or 50 lbs.  Hahahaha!  I really had no idea how out of control my weight was.  And I was the SMALLEST person there!  So really, I was sure I didn't need the surgery.  But I went ahead and made an appointment with the Dr. to discuss options.

I was SHOCKED when Dr. Roller told me that I needed to loose about 110 lbs, and that I was a good candidate for full Roux en Y gastric bypass surgery.  Holy shit!  Was it really that bad?  Well, yes, it was.  I didn't have any health problems (or so I thought), I was active (or so I thought), and I was young.  Surely I wasn't that big!

Oh, but I was.  Now, I realize that I did have health problems.  My blood pressure was running around 128/78.  Now it runs 118/65.  My fasting blood sugars were around 128.  Now they are around 80.  And I was NOT active.  At least not compared to now!  Now I will run laps around my husband at our local theme park.  I'm pumped when I get there, and I'm not exhausted when we leave 6 hours later after riding every roller coaster in the park and walking about 5 miles.  And as far as the being young part goes, I feel 10 years younger now.  (And honestly, I look about 5 years younger)  Truthfully, I look 10 times better today than I did 6.5 years ago at my wedding.  I think I'm hot, and so does my husband.

I'm not covering anything up anymore.  Yes, I still have bumpy bits, and jiggles.  Yes, I have a bit of flabby excess skin.  But I'm NOT covering it up.  Now I'm not ready for a bikini yet, but I'm rocking my tankini this year.  (You know, besides the saggy boobs, but that's from breastfeeding 2 kids!)  And I'm wearing sleeveless shirts.  I haven't worn a sleeveless shirt since my Sophmore year of college.  And I'm not afraid to wear shorter shorts.  And dresses don't look like mumus on me anymore.  And I feel good about myself.

Once again, weight is not related to self worth.  I know a lot of bigger girls, who are beautiful, healthy, active, and who don't cover up.  They are beautiful, and they feel beautiful, and they rock their curves.  But I was not one of those girls.  I was so ashamed of myself.  Losing the weight has allowed me to let go of that shame, and be happy again.  And I FEEL great too.  Which really is the best part of all.

Atina